


And our mouths are just for moaning

by Pilandok



Series: You fell asleep, then the silence grew [3]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, F/F, Smut, actually you dont need to, but they've fucked before, established... uh something, read the prequels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:49:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pilandok/pseuds/Pilandok
Summary: Judy tries to be selfish and Jen is getting in the way of that by trying to be a good person.In which I continue to reimagine the last few episodes of the season as kind of the same but with more sex.Takes place on 2x09 to 2x10.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Series: You fell asleep, then the silence grew [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958914
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	1. Part A: Are you coming home to feel alone?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first of the two-part conclusion of my sad and sexy canon divergence series that went from more sexy to more sad as I went about it :(
> 
> Feel free to read the prequels, I think it helps, but maybe this can stand alone? I think. Just use brain really hard for context clues, maybe.
> 
> Enjoy!

It doesn’t take long for things to go to absolute shit.

—

“It’s not the worst thing, paying the price,” Eleanor says and Judy marvels at how much she sounds like she means it. Her mother has never been the first to admit her mistakes, never believing that she’s capable of hurting as much as she was hurt. Even now, in a conversation that Judy’s sure is the best they’ve ever had, she still feels odd stings in her heart— like she’s been wounded without noticing and she doesn’t know which of the words were barbed.

But it’s the most relaxed she’s seen her mother all her life (well, while sober.) And _yes,_ she _does_ know how exhausting it is to hide and lie all the time.

“Yeah,” Judy breathes, “I could see how that would be a relief.”

And she means it, really, as she looks right at her mother, is almost jealous, actually, thinking about how she’s been passing through the year as if it’s a minefield, always scared of moving forward lest she makes something explode and the ground under her will begin to cave in. She’s always known that running can only get you so far, so far from yourself, and that nothing could compare to the feeling of being _forgiven_.

But leaving the facility, Judy has the very distinct thought that she doesn’t want Jen to know about any of that at all.

Being selfish has never been easy for Judy until she met Jen. She’s never met anyone in her life she so badly wanted to keep, and even more so, to be kept by. She doesn’t think she can ever give it up, not now, not when she finally knows what it’s like to be held by her, to be touched so intensely, grabbed so fiercely by the hand and not be led to her demise, but taken _home_.

She almost can’t understand it, the feeling of this selfish possessiveness. Jealousy is familiar, she’s been jealous of people all her life, of everything she’s never had, until she learned that it was better to just _not want_. Until she’s only wanted one thing: a family, and she’s been jealous of mothers ever since. It’s different now, jealousy and envy were inevitable, she’s never gotten the things she wanted. But she _has_ Jen; Judy felt her in her hands. She felt her scars and the shiver of her skin and her shuddering breath and _her_ , hot and wet around her fingers. Suddenly Jen belonged to her, Jen _loved_ her. And now she has everything that came with Jen: a home, the boys. Sometimes she can even forget that it’s a life that she basically stole from someone, that Jen and her sons and the guesthouse and even the fucking kitchen belonged to someone else. That the occasional discomfort she feels, those moments of awkwardness in the household are probably caused by the fact that she hasn’t quite seamlessly slotted into the Ted-shaped hole in their lives as much as she thought she has.

But she’ll be damned if she’s ever going to give it up. She’ll carve out that space with her bare hands.

—

Jen thinks she’s being punished, she’s got to be.

_I KNOW WHAT YOU DID_

That’s not a hint from the universe, that’s a fucking glowing marquee sign. A cosmic call-out directed at Jen. Even after finding out that it was just an uninspired vengeance scheme of a teenage girl (which, Charlie deserved, if she was being honest), Jen can’t help but imagine that hers will come soon. Her fucking _Gotcha!_ moment. And _god_ , if she doesn’t deserve that, too.

She’s being punished, she thinks, she’s being punished for being an asshole all her life, for lying to everyone, for being a fucking _murderer._ She can feel it, the walls are closing in on her, everything is going to collapse— the home she built with the weak foundation of her as a mother.

_She should’ve turned herself in_.

Jen knows she’s selfish, she just couldn’t stop wanting and taking. And she wanted Judy so badly, couldn’t stop herself from laying her hands on Judy when she saw her for the taking. Except she wasn’t, there was Michelle, she had _options._ Jen could’ve just let Judy fall into a normal love, to move on properly from Steve, to be with someone who doesn’t have the worst kinds of skeletons in their closet. Someone who isn’t lying to her all the goddamn time.

“Hey, are you okay?” Judy asks as she enters the room, quickly sitting beside Jen on the edge of the bed. She automatically takes both of Jen’s hands in hers. “I just saw Charlie painting the garage door. Was that— was that for us?”

Jen shakes her head, “It was Parker.”

“Oh wow,” Judy replies, “Did Charlie? What did—“

“Judy, I can’t keep doing this,” Jen interrupts but she’s just staring blankly at the wall.

“What?” Judy asks although the catch at the end of the word tells Jen that she knows what she’s trying to say.

“It could’ve been for me.”

“Jen, it was _Parker_ ,” Judy says, starting to rub at Jen’s hands, a hint of frantic. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“When I saw it, Judy, it felt like my heart was about to fucking give out,” Jen says, closing her eyes tight. “Charlie was fucking there with me, I saw how scared he looked. It felt like a fucking sign from the—”

“ _Don’t_ say universe, Jen. You’re the one—” Judy pauses, taking a deep, calming breath. “You’re the one who doesn’t believe in that shit.”

Jen winces at Judy’s words, suddenly noticing how hard Judy has been squeezing her hands and she feels like she’s about to lose feeling in her fingers. She opens her eyes and turns to look at Judy and sees the panicked look on her face, eyes wide and mouth set to a too-wide smile. It’s the same look she had that morning, when Jen said that she thought about turning herself in. She doesn’t know how to tell her that the idea hasn’t left her mind the whole day.

Jen wonders if she’s the one who turned Judy into this. Sweet Judy, a literal angel, just so, so _good_. An actual good person who only ever wanted to fix mistakes, even the ones she didn’t make, even the ones that were Jen’s. And she fucking forced her to bury her fiancé in the fucking woods.

And Jen’s _still_ lying to her.

“Judy, baby, hey,” Jen says softly, disentangling her hands from Judy’s so she can hold her face. “What can I— what can I do for you?”

“Tell me you won’t go, you won’t do anything stupid,” Judy says, determined. “You can’t _confess_ , Jen. It’s not— it won’t help.”

Now both of them know that that’s just blatantly untrue and Judy has no idea how much Jen actually needs to confess, how much of it is to Judy. But with the way that Judy is looking straight at her, eyes practically begging, Jen wants to believe in it so much, that it won’t matter, that it won’t change anything.

“Okay,” she answers, ignoring the implications, just wanting to give Judy what she wants at that moment. “Okay, I won’t.”

“Promise me,” Judy demands, her shaky voice getting lower.

“I promise,” Jen nods a few times. Judy looks at her for a second, something dark glazing over her eyes.

“ _Promise me_.”

“I promise, Jude, I promise,” Jen repeats and she almost believes it herself.

Judy has a hard look on her face, as if she can tell what Jen is thinking, but she turns to the side so she can kiss the palm of Jen’s right hand. She holds her by the wrist as she traces her lips up her inner arm. Jen watches her, Judy’s warm breath sending goose bumps on her skin. Peppering her with gentle kisses, Judy stops just right below the bend of her elbow. There, she takes a tentative lick on the skin. Just as Jen begins to wonder what Judy’s preoccupation is on that particular spot, Judy suddenly bites down. Hard.

“Fuck!” Jen shouts, surprised. It hurt, it really did, and she would have pushed Judy off if she didn’t hear the hint of pleasure in her own voice, if the pain didn’t make her rub her thighs together as much as it did make her want to pull away. Judy has her tongue on the spot again, her saliva minimally soothing the burn, but Jen knows that it’ll bruise. “What the hell, Judy?”

And Judy looks at her, darkly, before flinging her arm unceremoniously on the bed. Jen finds herself leaning back on her elbows as she tries to understand what’s going on. Judy throws a leg over Jen’s lap, straddling her, and reaches over to grab the fabric of Jen’s shirt into closed fists. Jen is forced to sit up as Judy pulls her by the shirt and smashes their lips together. She’s never felt Judy this rough, with her teeth pulling on her lip, her hand climbing up to the back of Jen’s head to dig her nails into her scalp. She’s leaning forward on Jen’s lap, skirt hiked up to her waist, and Jen has to support their weight with her hands anchored behind her.

It hurts, everything about it is an ache Jen knows she’ll feel in the morning, but with every thrust of Judy’s hips as she grind herself against her lap, Jen can feel how wet herself is getting in her panties. Her pleasure is building at an embarrassingly fast pace and it’s a little too overwhelming a realization that she can process pain like this, into something that feels perplexingly _good_.

Judy bites her on the ear none too gently and Jen flinches, but at this point Jen can’t even pretend that the sound that came out of her wasn’t a moan. Judy double downs on the action, her incisors pulling on the cartilage harshly until Jen seethes and shakes her head away from her.

“ _Judy_.”

“Don’t,” Judy begins, breath hot on Jen’s ears, her voice was unsteady but oh so serious, “fucking lie to me, Jen.”

The words send Jen into a panic, _she knows._ Judy pushes her to the bed and Jen lands in a huff and Judy is so uncharacteristically rough with her but Jen deserves it. Jen deserves the bite marks and tomorrow’s bruises and all the pain in the world and Judy looking at her with dark, dark eyes.

“Judy. I—”

“Tell me you won’t go, Jen,” Judy says. And it takes her a minute to realize that what Judy knows isn’t _that_. What Judy knows is just what she feels. “Jen, _tell me_.”

“I— I won’t go,” Jen stutters, “Judy, I promise.”

“Bullshit,” she says and dives forward towards Jen and lands at the crook of her neck. Judy takes skin between her teeth, pulling roughly, and Jen can’t control the sounds she’s making. It hurts, it’s a lot of things, but Jen can take it, she can take it all, and she almost hates how it feels good, too. How her pleasure is getting tugged on, awakening, rising. “You keep sounding like you’ll be gone tomorrow.”

At this, as Judy is scraping her teeth on her collarbones, Jen notices the shake between their bodies. She realizes that it was Judy’s hands, trembling as it clutches desperately at the fabric of her shirt. It begins to dawn on Jen that while she’s willing to take it on, all the pain and all the punishment (and she deserves it, all of it, and fucking more), it doesn’t mean that Judy has to be the one to give it. Judy doesn’t have to dole out penances she doesn’t have the heart to hand out. She doesn’t deserve to wield this double-edged sword.

This isn’t— this isn’t Judy. She’s not angry, she’s not looking for someone to hurt. Judy’s not _like her_.

Jen reaches for Judy’s hands, snaking hers between their bodies so she can undo the curl of her fingers one by one, slowly getting them to loosen their grip on her shirt.

“Hey, hey,” Jen calls her, gently now that both of Judy’s hands are in her hold. She nudges Judy carefully until she’s lifting her head up to look at her. In Judy’s eyes, she sees a dark cloud, and beyond that, a hazy discontent, fear, desire, love, everything. “Let me take the lead tonight, okay?”

Judy narrows her eyes at Jen, still suspicious, but she doesn’t protest when Jen flips them over, pushing her to lie down properly with her head on the pillow. Jen tugs on Judy’s top, untucking it from her skirt and slides it over Judy’s head. She removes her skirt next, letting the fabric fall onto the floor by the bed. Jen pushes on the exposed bra and Judy lifts her back up to remove it herself as Jen works on pulling her panties down.

After everything comes off, Jen takes Judy in, still the most beautiful fucking thing she’s ever seen in her life.

“How can I possibly leave you?”

Judy’s expression softens, the hard lines melting back into her usual soft gaze. And Jen wants this Judy, not the one so bogged down by everyone’s sins but her own, burdened by Jen’s lies. Jen undresses quickly, getting rid of her shirt and jeans in haste. She slides herself out of her panties but she leaves her bra on. She lies down on her side next to Judy so they’re facing each other in their nudity. She delicately pulls up a blanket on both of them.

Judy looks at her like she’s trying to figure something out but as her eyes descend to Jen’s chest, she reaches over to tug the bra strap, sliding it off the shoulders.

“Jen,” she says and the edge is almost completely gone.

“I want you to take it off,” Jen says, hoping that Judy understands what it means. It’s not the first time but she needs Judy to understand how much she’s willing to give. How much is _hers_.

And Judy does, of course she does. She shifts forward to capture Jen’s lips into a soft kiss, and she moves her mouth tenderly as she reaches behind Jen to unclasp her bra. She pulls away and returns her hand to the strap, tracing her gaze down her arm as she pulls the garment off. Judy pauses at where the bite mark swells, red and angry.

“It’s okay,” Jen says carefully, needing Judy to hear it, anything to assuage her worries. This much Jen can do for her right now.

Having disposed of the bra, Judy returns to the mark, her thumb tracing around the emerging bruise before pressing lightly at its center. Jen releases a shuddering breath as the pain shoots up her arm. Then it slowly descends down to her stomach, adding to her already building arousal.

“I can...” Judy begins, eyebrows scrunched up in her forehead like she doesn’t understand what she’s saying, herself, “I can give you another one.”

Jen looks at her, hoping she can guess what she’s thinking. It’s something that happens often, that Judy acts so inexplicably that Jen just wants to take a peek in her mind. Just so she can find out what she can do for Judy, how to give her everything she can.

“You can do anything you want to me,” Jen whispers, knowing that’s the only thing she can do right now. It doesn’t feel like much to Jen, can feel herself painfully lacking, but Judy looks at her like she just handed her the fucking world.

Still, she can hear the trepidation in Judy’s voice, some mix of worry and suspicion, when she asks, “Does this mean you won’t go?”

Jen doesn’t want to lie to Judy, not anymore. But she still can’t tell her the whole truth, especially when she doesn’t know which version of it she believes in.

“It means that I’m yours.”

Judy kisses her again, a little harder this time but still overwhelmingly tender, and Jen imagines that Judy has already forgiven her for things she can’t say. Judy’s tongue meets hers, warm and wanting, and Jen sucks on it a little before she pulls away. Judy shifts and her lips meet Jen’s shoulder and Jen braces herself, holding her breath.

Judy’s teeth sinks into her flesh and Jen exhales slowly. It ignites that feeling between her legs and she presses her body into Judy’s. She can feel Judy hesitating so she reaches between them, between Judy’s legs and tentatively presses the pads of her fingers against Judy’s warm cunt.

“Jen,” Judy moans against her skin, mouth open on her shoulder.

“You’re so wet, baby,” Jen says, and to emphasize her point, she takes some of the moisture along Judy’s folds into her fingers and wipes it on her stomach. Judy whimpers and Jen can feel the muscles of her abdomen twitching. Jen returns her hand and begins ambling along the spot above her clit.

“More, please,” Judy pleads, “Faster.”

“I... no,” Jen answers, keeping a languid pace as she begins to patterns onto Judy’s clit. “I want to take it slow.”

“ _Jen_ ,” Judy whines, pushing her hips forward.

Jen ignores her, sliding her fingers along Judy’s folds carefully, drawing a wide circle around her clit. Despite her complaints, Judy’s breathing gets ragged soon enough and she begins grinding against Jen’s hand in a rhythm.

“Legs, wider,” Jen orders, Judy’s whimpering into her shoulder making her a little lightheaded, hindering her ability to form complete sentences. Judy follows, bending one of her knees up, letting her hips fall open to give Jen better access.

When Jen enters her, it’s almost an accident with how easily her two fingers slips inside her, and Judy bucks against her hand, sighing in relief. Jen angles her hand so she can plunge her fingers deeper inside Judy, starting to move inside in a steady pace.

“ _Fuck_ , Jen,” Judy moans. Jen wants to pull back, wants to watch Judy’s face as her pleasure builds. She can imagine her face scrunched up, eyes closed, hair matted to her forehead as beads of sweat frame her face. Jen wants to see the way her mouth drops as she nears her orgasm and the way she’ll come with her bottom lip between her teeth to futilely tamp down her noises. But Judy is biting on her shoulder again, with less hesitation this time, and it hurts but Jen hums in encouragement. She rewards it with curling her fingers inside.

A sob escapes Judy’s throat before her teeth sinks deeper into the flesh, causing Jen to take a sharp breath, but she moves her fingers faster. The pain on her shoulder tells her how good she’s making Judy feel, how much she wants Jen. It adds another depth to her understanding of Judy’s pleasure.

The pain isn’t Judy trying to take on the burden of punishing Jen anymore. It isn’t about approximating what she thinks Jen wants to deserve. Jen feels like this pain is something that Judy owns, something inside her, something that she’s willing to share.

“You don’t have to be a bad person for me,” Jen tells her and she doesn’t give Judy a chance to respond as she adds a third finger inside her. Judy’s hips shake uncontrollably and against Jen’s skin, she lets out a muffled, _fuck_. Jen continues her motions inside Judy until she can feel her tightening around her fingers. “I know you don’t want that.”

Judy presses her teeth into Jen’s skin one last time before throwing her head back, her climax fully coming into fruition. She cries out, “I don’t care, I don’t want anything else! I just want _you_.”

“Fuck,” Jen says in awe as she watches Judy unfurl in her orgasm, she sees her eyes water, her chest flushed, and the way she’s arching her back into her, as if she’s offering everything up to Jen. And when she collapses back into herself, when Jen is helping through her climax, Jen kisses her on the head and whispers, “You have me, you have me, you have me.”

It’s the absolute truth and Jen hopes that for once in her fucking life that the truth is enough.

—

Later, when Jen’s head is laying down on her arm, her face pressed against Judy’s chest, one hand kneading her breast, Judy lets herself think that maybe the worst is over.

“You know, people usually do this for foreplay,” Judy says lazily, sleepiness beginning to descend upon her as she absentmindedly twirls the tips of Jen’s blonde hair with her fingers.

Jen rubs her face on one of Judy’s boobs and rolls the nipple of the other. It feels _good_ but Judy is too sleepy to let it build into anything.

“People are stupid,” Jen groans into her skin, “I can do this forever.”

And it might be in this ridiculous context, but hearing the word _forever_ makes something in Judy’s stomach flip; a promise she’s always wanted to hear and from _Jen_ , it’s something she can finally let herself believe.

“So did Charlie really cheat on that girl?” Judy asks, letting the feeling of domesticity settle until it feels like the dip on her side of the bed has always been in the shape of her.

“Yes, well, no— I don’t know the technicalities of it,” Jen says distractedly, still preoccupied with Judy’s breast, seeming to be on the mission of leaving hickeys on every visible surface. “Don’t wanna talk about it. What did you do today?”

Judy hesitates, not wanting to bring up her mom, and luckily, she’s saved by the sound of a doorbell.

“Who the fuck is at the door at this hour?” Jen groans.

“Maybe it’s Ben again,” Judy jokes, then thinks that it might be more of a possibility than she likes.

“God, please no,” Jen says, lifting her face to look at Judy. “Especially since you slammed the door on his face this morning.”

“He brought _flowers_ , Jen.”

“It was from his mom!” Jen laughs. “He doesn’t even remember anything from the vigil.”

“He better not,” Judy huffs, then frowns at herself immediately after. “Sorry— it’s sad actually. You know, with him being sober for a year and then drinking...”

“It is,” Jen says. She looks at Judy for a few seconds. “I think I make you _mean_.”

“Maybe,” Judy answers honestly, stifling a yawn, “But I think I can afford to be a little mean.”

“You definitely can,” Jen agrees and the conversation feels like a downplayed version of the one they should have. The one about their deep-seated fears, of their worst insecurities, of the future. But Judy thinks that maybe this is enough, that having Jen in her arms like this means that things are supposed to be easier.

Maybe she’s done with the hard roads she’s taken all her life.

—

“Nick?” Judy answers the phone, still reeling from even seeing his name on the screen. She stands still in the middle of the art room, watching the residents paint their favorite landscape.

“Judy, hey,” he answers, a little awkwardly but he sounds urgent, “Look, Jen’s here and she just told me she murdered Steve Wood?”

Judy’s legs almost give out from under her.

“Oh fuck.”


	2. Leave my right hand free, it's hard to be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is the very last part of the canon-divergence sad smut series of mine so thank you to everyone who has been reading this and those who have been telling me that they like this. I honestly didn't realize this series would have so much Plot, but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

When Judy arrives at the scene, Jen is standing outside the police station with Nick hovering awkwardly around her. He spots her first and greets her with a shrug as he takes a sip from the straw sticking out of his large drink. Judy gives him a tight smile then waits for Jen to meet her eyes. When she does, she almost looks like a child, one with an expression of having been caught doing something she isn’t supposed to (the irony isn’t lost, of course, that the one thing she isn’t supposed to be doing is _confessing_.) And Judy could have easily been a parent with how she grabbed Jen’s wrist tightly, whispering at her harshly to _go wait in the car_ ( _mine, not yours_.) Jen looks like she’s about to protest, but at Judy’s grave expression, she does as she’s told.

When she turns back to Nick, Judy sees him staring at her with a curious look on his face, obviously interested in their interaction. But he doesn’t ask anything about it, instead he lets his shoulders drop down as he takes a prolonged sip on his beverage.

“Hey, Nick,” Judy greets him, her tone closer to normal now that she knows that worst hasn’t happened yet; Jen isn’t in hand cuffs and is sitting safe in her car. “Nice to see you back in uniform.”

“Is it?” Nick asks, eyebrow raised.

Normally, Judy would allow herself to feel guilty at that, knowing how roughly he took to their whole ordeal, especially on top of his own grieving process. But she doesn’t have time to play that game, desperate to know what the fuck is going on with Jen. So she keeps that particular emotion at bay.

Nick sighs, seeing the expression on Judy’s face. She remembers that he isn’t a bad guy. Or maybe, she just looks distraught enough in his eyes.

“I didn’t let Perez hear anything,” he tells her simply.

“Why, Nick?” she asks, trying to keep her voice steely although the relief and gratitude is obvious. She knows she has to tone it down, anything that could possibly give them away. They haven’t been indicted yet.

“Something wasn’t right,” he answers, looking at her carefully. “It didn’t add up completely. Plus, it felt wrong trying to use the kid.”

“The kid?” Judy asks, unable to hide the panic in her voice. “What do you mean? _Jen’s_ kids? Charlie and Henry?”

Nick clenches his jaw, pondering for a second, then he looks around them before stepping closer.

“Look,” he says. “We have pictures of Charlie with Steve’s car. And CCTV footage of him driving it on the night that it was burned. We also know that he’s had access to a gun.”

Judy starts shaking her head, voice pitchy and trembling when she says, “No, no... It wasn’t— he has nothing to do with Steve.”

Nick stares at her and Judy wonders if she’s said too much again, if she’s said the wrong thing and this is how they all go down. She wonders how fast she can run to her car in her wedges. But she calms herself down and waits for what Nick has to say because he’s still looking at her kindly. He really isn’t a bad guy. He sighs again.

“You know, I heard about those voicemails Steve left you,” he says and it takes her a while to even understand what he’s referring to. The incident feels like it happened a whole lifetime ago.

“You did?” she asks. Upon recollection, there are still remnants of a hurt from Steve’s words, but it doesn’t make her feel helpless like it used to. She thinks, distinctly, maybe inappropriately for the situation at hand, that Steve isn’t around anymore. That they’ve buried him deep into the ground and he can’t say anything to her from beyond the grave.

“We both know he’s not a good guy,” Nick starts and Judy can’t tell where he’s going with this. “I don’t think Chief Hastings is, either.”

“Steve’s godfather,” Judy says slowly as she begins to understand what he’s implying. “Oh. _Oh._ You think—?”

Nick gestures at her to keep it down.

“I need you to give me something, though. Anything, Judy. If you know _anything_...” Nick says, looking at her meaningfully. “Or else Charlie is the only lead we have. And Jen.”

“Of course,” Judy nods emphatically. Fully knowing she’s talking out of her ass, she adds, “I think I know where I might find something like that.”

Nick nods and smiles at her stiffly as he takes another sip from his drink. By the sounds of it, it’s near-empty. They spend a few, awkward moments in silence until he clears his throat with a dry cough. Judy looks at him and after a beat, he says something like it’s been on his mind for a while.

“You know, I’m still trying to figure out why you’d stay with a guy like that,” he says gently.

Judy considers it for a moment, she hasn’t thought about it for a while but she thinks she’s always known the answer.

“I guess I thought maybe you get what you deserve.”

“Nobody deserves that,” Nick answers after thinking about it for a second. He shakes his head slightly as Judy smiles up at him, grateful. Then, before turning back to the building, he adds, “Oh and Jen wasn’t here to confess.”

“Huh?”

“Not initially— not until she learned about Charlie,” Nick explains and she can see him look apologetic. “She was here looking for your paintings.”

—

Judy left the car unlocked for her but Jen can’t stand the idea of idly waiting inside so she leans against the door of the passenger seat to smoke a cigarette as she watches Judy and Nick talk out of the corner of her eye.

She hasn’t fully processed the events of that afternoon, unclear of how it got from point A to point B when she started the day with Judy gloriously curled up in her arms. With the way Judy smiled so brightly after waking up, when recognition replaced the haze in her eyes, Jen could almost believe that everything will be alright. She wanted to do something nice, wanting to repay the feeling that, ultimately, she had gained more than she lost even though she didn’t deserve it. She just wanted to give something tangible to Judy.

So Jen went to the police station, figuring that they would know what happened to the paintings that Judy had been looking for. If Jen were to be honest, she wasn’t exactly sure how high the prices for those paintings would go for, but then again, she doesn’t know much about visual arts beyond how to match it with the furniture of a room.

But the next thing she knew, she was being shown a damning picture of Charlie and her mouth moved faster than her brain could. She heard the words _I killed Steve Wood_ in her voice before she even knew she was thinking it. Bafflingly enough, she wasn’t handcuffed or thrown in the interrogation room or where the hell they bring criminals to, she was simply ushered outside by Nick who then called someone on the phone. For a second, she imagined, bizarrely, that he was calling for back-up because she was a fucking _murderer_ but then she remembered that back-up would come from the building they’ve just exited. After a while, she heard him say Judy’s name and she thought, _oh shit_ , and she felt more in trouble than before. Which was fucking ridiculous, considering that she just confessed to murder. But then again, who did she really owe more to? The general peace and order of the city of Laguna Beach or fucking Judy Hale?

“Jude, I—s” Jen starts when she sees Judy stomping over to her. She puts out the cigarette.

Judy raises a hand at her, “Get in the car.”

Jen does and lets Judy drive them away from the station.

“I’m sorry. I know I promised I say anything to the cops but... I just had to, Judy,” Jen says in a rush and she thinks that it’s enough. Not the apology, but enough for the conversational ball to be on Judy’s court, for her to to say something about the situation. Wether to scold her or hate her or fuck else. But Judy doesn’t say anything, keeping her eyes sternly on the road. “They had— they had a picture of Charlie, Jude, and I just...”

“I know,” Judy answers in an indecipherable tone. Jen isn’t used to this kind of cold shoulder from Judy. At least the last time she was given the silent treatment, she knew it was because she was being an asshole. But isn’t she doing the right thing now? Trying to fulfill civic duties by confessing to a crime?

But Jen knows she can’t fool herself, it’s obviously more complicated than that. To Judy, she’s made _promises._

Maybe that’s why the silence is driving her a little more than insane. And as Judy refuses to turn her gaze away from the road to look at Jen’s pleading eyes, refuses to speak another word to her, Jen can’t seem to control the things that are threatening to come out of her mouth. They make way for the big secret that she’s been holding on to so tightly, the one that still always threatened to slip through.

“I— it wasn’t self-defense. Steve— I killed him,” Jen says, barely believing that the words are finally stumbling past her lips. She feels the car speed up and sees Judy’s hands tighten their grip on the steering wheel, her knuckles turning white. But those are the only signs of acknowledgement Jen receives, Judy doesn’t say anything, still. So Jen doesn’t stop talking. “He wasn’t strangling me. He was— he was saying some pretty bad things and I just lost it. I attacked him, Judy. I— I fucking killed him. You’ve got to take me back there— I fucking confessed already and I don’t know what Nick said but—”

“Stop it, Jen,” Judy tells her in a cold voice and Jen can see her face contorting as she processes the information. It stings, the undercurrent of Judy’s anger, but she knows that it’s much more than what she deserves. It’s throwing her off completely, actually, the stillness in the air after she’s finally said it, the one thing that she’s been endlessly agonizing about.

“Judy I don’t— I don’t know how to—”Jen starts, unable to keep her mouth shut for her own good now, dangerously confess-y. But then she sees the road they’re on, suddenly realizing that they’ve long passed the turns back to their neighborhood. “Wait, where are we going?”

Judy leaves her in a torturous silence for a minute before speaking. She ignores the question.

“I can’t say it didn’t cross my mind,” Judy says quietly, cutting through Jen’s panicked thoughts. It takes Jen a few moments to recognize what she’s answering back to. “That that might be what happened. It would explain... some of your actions. And I knew what Steve can do... I knew how he was.”

“Oh,” Jen says and it hurts that she isn’t in the position to comfort Judy about the complicated tone of anger that’s mixed in with guilt as she says those things.

“And I know how _you_ are.”

“Oh.” There’s the sting that’s meant to hurt her, and it does, in the way that makes Jen confront herself. That she’s capable of murder, capable of lying about it. It isn’t a secret to Judy anymore. That’s who she is and Judy knows, and maybe, Judy has always known. Maybe, that’s who she’s always been. It makes Judy’s actions, eyes still on the road up ahead, all the more baffling. It feels like anything less than being thrown out onto the street is too generous. “Aren’t you angry? You should be fucking furious, Judy. I let you blame yourself.”

“I don’t know,” Judy admits after considering it for a few seconds. “I never really learned how to deal with that properly.

“Maybe you should start getting angry at things,” Jen suggests even though she feels like she deserves that anger the most. They exit onto the state route— _where the hell are we going?_

“Not at you,” Judy answers and Jen is about to argue when Judy cuts her off again. “There are times that I’m glad he’s dead.”

“Judy, of course, he was a fucking—“

“ _And_ there are times that I’m glad that it’s because of me. That maybe _I_ caused it,” Judy says the last part like it’s something she just realized. Maybe it is, but it can also just be her levelling with Jen again, matching her in her guilt.

_But it wasn’t because of you_ , Jen wants to say but she doesn’t. Because she knows that if you play the game of tracing down the line of accountability, you can convince yourself into thinking it’s your fault every time. Morality can be painfully gray, she knows, she’s been struggling against it. She wonders whose ethic code she’s been trying to satisfy and considers that maybe her right and wrong has less to do with the law and more with trying to keep Judy happy.

Jen knows it’s an indulgent thought, a bit stupid, actually, but she lets herself think it. It oddly calms her down and she finally relaxes back into the passenger seat. The radio is stuck on AM and the clutch makes an occasional worrying sound but she lets herself get lost on the hum of the wheels rolling on the highway.

“Seriously, Judy, where the hell are we going?”

“We’re running away,” Judy finally answers, albeit sheepishly.

Jen makes a surprised sound, mostly a loud exhale, before promptly bursting into laughter. A warm feeling in her chest blooming and the tension all but dissipates completely. It’s just so _Judy_.

“I don’t have anything I can give Nick! I already told the FBI everything I could. Where am I gonna get something that could implicate the _chief_.”

“Wow, that’s—” Jen says, looking at her, still amused. “Is that what you guys were talking about?”

“He’s sure it has something to do with Steve’s godfather,” Judy nods, talking normally now as if Jen didn’t just lay out the worst parts of herself for her to scorn. Jen lets herself think that maybe Judy doesn’t do that, that she only knows how to treat every aspect of Jen preciously. “It could be that he does have connections with the mafia but I really wouldn’t know.”

“Jesus,” Jen breathes, but she’s still chuckling slightly, wondering how insane her life has really become. “Judy, we can’t run away.”

“Of course we can!” Judy replies with that deranged sort of enthusiasm that she can gather out of thin air.

“ _Judy_ ,” Jen says, incredulously.

“We can lay low for a while. Until this all blows over. Maybe I can ask Nick for my paintings—”

“I don’t think that’s how this works,” Jen tells her but she also gives herself a second to entertain the idea. “We would need money.”

“There’s money in the paintings,” Judy says in a rush.

“Huh? You mean if you sell or...?”

“No, I mean—” Judy’s voice drops to a whisper even though they’re the only ones in the car. “ _There’s cash in the frames_.”

“Like,” Jen starts, still confused, “if you sell the frames...?”

“No! There’s physical cash literally hidden behind the paintings, Jen. A lot of cash.”

“A lot?”

“ _A lot._ ”

“ _Holy shit_ ,” Jen says, now whispering, too.

“Yeah,” Judy says, nodding a few times.

“What about the boys?”

“We can...” Judy starts, thinking deeply and Jen can’t help but feel like things aren’t so impossible anymore as she lets herself ride this game of silly, little, made-up scenarios with Judy. As if they’re just planning a vacation. “Maybe we can leave them with Lorna for a while?”

“Oh, we can’t do that.”

“Sorry, of course, I know,” she says, scrunching up her face at her own suggestion. “That wouldn’t work—”

“Yeah, because I’ve made you their legal guardian.”

“Oh,” Judy says and she finally turns to look at Jen. “That’s— that’s, _wow_ — thank you, Jen. I don’t know how to—”

“Who the fuck else, Jude?” Jen says honestly. “Who else loves the boys like that?... _Who else loves_ me _like that?_ ”

Jen isn’t sure if Judy hears the last part since she practically said it under her breath but then Judy takes her right hand off the wheel to hold on to hers. Nothing feels resolved at all but Jen squeezes her hand like everything is going to be okay.

They don’t make it past Santa Monica.

She doesn’t think that the Santa Monica Pier was part of Judy’s plan or if she even had a plan in the first place. Maybe the clothes in the trunk is a bluff. They don’t ride any of the rides nor to they go out to the sand but they do get ice cream and walk hand-in-hand along the length of the walkway as the sun sets on the horizon. Judy looks like she belongs there with the orange sky painting her golden and the sea breeze blowing playfully on her dress. She smiles at Jen and looks fondly at the families going around together.

“Lets’s take Charlie and Henry next time, they haven’t been here for a while,” Jen tells her and Judy gives her a soft-eyed look that makes her think that maybe the things she can give Judy matter more than what she’s taken away.

When they reach the end of the walkway, they look out into the wide open sea. Jen doesn’t know who leads who, but they turn around and walk down the whole length of the pier, going back and forth again and again until long after the sun has gone down and the lights of the Ferris wheel glow the brightest against the dark sky.

—

It definitely isn’t the first time that Judy’s had sex in the backseat of a car but it is the first time that she’s been fucked so slowly in one that she’s sure the heat from her body is steaming up the windows. Usually car sex would entail being rough and fast and trying to ride that wave of horniness before discomfort takes over. But Jen fucks her so carefully that it feels like time isn’t real in the universe they’ve made within the confines of the vehicle.

Judy lowers herself again onto the fingers waiting underneath, relying on the support of her thighs situated on either side of Jen as she straddles her. The three fingers stretch her out and she can’t help but moan loudly into Jen’s shoulder as the digits move inside her tenderly.

“Let me see you, Jude, I want to see you,” Jen tells her, urging her to lift her head. She does, feeling the sweat roll down her temple, and moves to rest her forehead onto Jen’s. She squeezes her eyes shut, it’s almost painful, the way that Jen’s fingers are coaxing something out from deep inside of her, like a thread that’s being pulled purposefully and delicately, slowly unraveling her.

“I’m so close,” Judy pants, focusing on the sensation Jen is building within her. Jen doesn’t have the intention of making this quick for her, with most of their clothing in place except for Judy’s panties that have been unceremoniously discarded somewhere in the car. With their points of direct skin-to-skin contact limited to their foreheads and Jen’s fingers inside her cunt, clit mostly neglected, Judy knows exactly what kind of long, drawn-out orgasm Jen wants from her.

“Look at me,” Jen says and Judy’s eyes snap open and she sees Jen looking up at her so intensely, like her gaze can burn the surface of her skin, like she’s trying to memorize every inch of Judy’s face. Maybe she is— Judy tries not to think about the implications of that. Instead, she focuses on the way Jen’s lips form the words, “ _I love you_.”

“I love you, too,” Judy replies, the last word breaking into a moan as she feels herself reach her climax. The string inside her that’s being pulled on so lovingly finally gives and she feels her orgasm come in wild pulses, a strong current that gushes onto Jen’s hand. Her muscles spasm against Jen’s fingers and she allows herself a few weak thrusts as she rides out the wave in full. The sensation doesn’t subside for a while, feeling herself still in the middle of it all even when the muscles on her thighs fail on her and she crashes harshly onto Jen. She can only keep whimpering into Jen’s ear as her pleasure slowly ebbs, whispering incoherent promises between the two of them.

Jen gives her a minute after she’s settled down before delicately pulling her fingers out of Judy’s cunt and redirecting her attention to Judy’s clit. Judy’s body twitches wildly at the contact and she can’t help the surprised sound that she almost screams into Jen’s ear. Her arms automatically wrap around Jen’s neck, clinging onto her and she moves to close her legs but she can barely lift her thighs and she doesn’t have the energy to squirm away.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay,” Jen tells her, her voice soothing but her fingers are relentless between Judy’s legs. Each flick on her clit eliciting a sob from her throat. “Hold on to me.”

Judy already is but she somehow presses her body further into Jen, her whole body shaking. The second wave of pleasure hits her quicker, not from as deep as before, but it’s something that spreads fast on the surface of her skin, lighting up her nerves, engulfing her in a wildfire.

“I’m coming, baby, please—” Judy barely manages to say but Jen gives her what she wants and kisses her hard on the mouth, swallowing all the sounds she’s making as she goes through the stages of her climax.

Jen starts pulling at the hem of Judy’s dress that pooled around her waist and Judy thinks that they’re definitely doing things backwards. She lets Jen lift the dress over her, throwing it haphazardly onto the front seats. Judy still feels like her limbs are useless but she twists her arms so she can reach behind her to remove her bra as Jen holds her steadily by the hips.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jen breathes when Judy is finally fully naked for her, as if it’s the first time. Judy thinks that she wants to cry. “I could just look at you forever.”

“You can, Jen,” Judy answers, all choked up and Jen smiles at her sadly as she reaches up to cup a hand on Judy’s cheek.

“Hey what’s this about?” Jen asks and Judy closes her eyes, leaning into the touch. “Now who’s acting like they’re saying goodbye?”

Judy fails to fight back a sniffle and that breaks the dam inside her that’s been holding back her tears.

“Oh shit, Jude, I didn’t mean to—” Jen starts, immediately rubbing circles into her back. “Shh, it’s okay baby, it’s all going to be okay.”

“ _Jen_ ,” she sobs and buries her face into her hands. She feels Jen begin to reposition them both, carefully laying her down to stretch out on the back seat of the car, knees folded slightly. Jen squeezes herself on the space beside her, pinning Judy against the carseat and Jen’s body. Judy, still sobbing into her hands, feels Jen carefully peel her hands away from her face. Seeing Jen, eyes full of worry, Judy chokes out, “take off your shirt.”

Jen’s concerned look melts into a surprised amusement and she laughs softly before sitting back up to do as Judy told, unbuttoning her shirt and letting it slide off to the floor of the car. She unhooks her bra and hangs it on the front seat before returning to the space beside Judy.

“There, happy?”

“A little,” Judy admits, enjoying the feeling of Jen’s bare torso pressed up against her. “Not enough.”

Jen makes a face.

“Shit. Sorry, I wish I could make you happier.”

“No,” Judy says, shaking her head against Jen’s shoulder and pulling her in even closer. “I mean _this_. Not enough.”

“Oh,” Jen says, chuckling slightly. She angles her head down to leave a kiss on top of Judy’s head.

“You’ve made me very happy, Jen,” Judy whispers.

“Good,” Jen says in that self-defeating tone. “Because I think I’m about to make you pretty fucking sad.”

“You aren’t,” Judy says determinedly. She surprises herself with how much she believes in it.

Jen tries to apologize again but Judy tilts her head to shut her up with a kiss. _You won’t make me sad._

Judy doesn’t know how long they stay like that, and she thinks that this won’t have too good an effect on Jen’s back, but they don’t make any attempts to move. Judy counts Jen’s steady inhales in her mind.

“I didn’t want to leave you here that night,” Jen says suddenly, a bit of shyness in her voice. “To Michelle, I mean.”

“I know,” Judy says, smiling softly. “Why did you?”

“Because I was lying to you,” Jen says truthfully. “Because, fuck Jude, I don’t deserve you.”

Judy frowns, recalling that she’s had a similar trains of thought. So hung up was she on the idea of what she deserved and what she didn’t. Constantly wondering if she’s too damaged to have the things she wants, if she’ll ever earn them enough.

“I don’t know if I believe in _deserves_ , anymore.”

Jen looks at her a little surprised and after a few seconds, she breaks into a fond smile.

“I think I’ve heard that before.”

Judy thinks that with Jen, the idea of deserving is irrelevant, with how everything kept going up in flames that there was never a right direction to run. There’s no point in counting merits. She doesn’t think she’ll ever feel like she deserves Jen and maybe Jen won’t ever feel like she deserves her. But fuck if it didn’t feel like they _belong_ to each other.

Jen pushes herself up to peek out of the window.

“Shit, I think I better get out there, before the sun rises,” Jen says with an ease that Judy doesn’t want to hear. “We can’t have someone recognizing your car.”

“ _Jen_ ,” Judy says, grabbing Jen’s arm before she tries to collect her things. “One more, _please_?”

Jen swallows visibly at the word as she looks down at Judy still fully naked on the seat. Judy knows that one more might be pushing it for Jen, for all the emotions that shes been keeping at bay. But that’s what Judy wants to see, a Jen that isn’t putting a brave face on for her.

“Okay,” Jen whispers and dives down to kiss her on the lips. Harsher now, with more urgency than before. She presses her palms against Judy’s breasts, cupping them roughly as she descends along Judy’s neck and chest, sucking on the skin above her sternum, seeming determined to make a mark there. Judy wishes it would leave a permanent scar. Jen replaces one hand with her mouth, letting the flat of her tongue press against a stiff nipple as she rolls the other one between her fingers.

“Please,” Judy moans, the sound echoing in the car. She can’t help but thrust herself upward into Jen and she feels Jen slide her free hand onto her hip to hold her down, steadying her. With her mouth still sucking on Judy’s nipple, she snakes her hand between them to feel the slickness of Judy’s folds.

“Shit,” Jen says and she’s running her fingers teasingly around her entrance. “You get wet so easily.”

Judy lets out a whimper and Jen takes it as a cue to plunge two fingers inside of her. Judy cries out, melting into the feeling of Jen inside her again, making her feel so good, and she’s never wanted anything more than to stay connected like this forever.

“ _More_ , Jen, please,” Judy begs. Jen complies, inserting another finger inside and Judy feels her vision clouding over as she focuses on a spot on the car ceiling. One of her legs slide off the seat and Jen catches it, pushing it up against Judy, opening her up further.

“Jude, can I— can I add another?” Jen asks when she lifts her face off of Judy’s breast to look at her. Judy nods furiously, willing to entertain any idea that allows her to feel more of Jen. She feels the fourth finger enter her slowly and Judy shakes at the stretch. Jen leans forward, some of her weight on Judy’s torso, her shoulder right below Judy’s chin. She whispers, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Judy sinks her teeth onto Jen’s shoulder, last night’s mark still visible. It’ll probably hurt more this time but she can’t help but bite down hard when Jen takes her over the edge again, her moans strangled by the skin between her teeth.

When the haze clears from her head, Judy thinks she just might cry again. But Jen already beat her to the punch. Jen, now sobbing unreservedly, finally tired of holding herself together, allows herself to be enveloped by a warm embrace. Judy thinks that it’s her turn to trace soothing patterns onto Jen’s skin, to tell her that it’s all going to be okay.

Judy drives away as soon as Perez opens the door.

It doesn’t feel like the world is ending as much as it did all those other times Judy imagined this scenario. There’s something of an odd reassurance in her gut, a sturdiness that she didn’t know she was capable of. At Jen’s sad farewell, Judy doesn’t respond with anything other than a long, lingering kiss.

She thinks it’s funny, now that she’s heard the words, she doesn’t believe it’s a goodbye at all.

As Judy watches the California sunrise beyond her windshield, she’s reminded of the Santa Monica Pier at sunset. She remembers that she pulled Jen into a stall to have their fortunes read. They get told of a future so wonderful and perfect that Jen scoffed at the image. But as soon as they began to walk away, Jen already a few steps ahead to get their ice cream, the teller stopped Judy.

“It really will be okay,” the fortune teller said, forgoing the formal cadence of mysticism. “The thing that troubles you both, it’s going to work out. It usually does for believers of the universe. Or love.”

It sounded unlikely but Judy has always been good at believing. When she caught up to Jen and their fingers laced into each other’s automatically, Judy thought that she could believe enough for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the last chapter of this series! I'd be happy to know your thoughts on it.
> 
> It's the first series I finished so I'm pretty happy to have it completed. I had fun writing this.
> 
> Special thanks to Sofa who always holds my hand (virtually) through the hard parts of this chapter (and most of my fic-writing). Also to K who I was very happy to find out liked this series a lot (and who may or may not have distracted me while I was writing this, half-jk).

**Author's Note:**

> Title of the work is from Marika Hackman's song, "all night" and everything else are from her album "Any Human Friend." Please give it a listen, especially if you want to support queer artist and be a sad wlw person.  
> (https://open.spotify.com/album/1MyAYzrDvFNjNY689PtpWF?si=Z1W3HitpQ92rPiXl9580pg)
> 
> Twitter: @aprilopenmybill
> 
> CuriousCat: aprilopenmybill


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